I originally did not plan to publish this. I was making a “diary entry” if you will. But as the days passed, I felt called to share these words. Being transparent is being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is scary. But I’ve said before fear can’t hold us back. So I’m taking my own advice and doing what I feel called to do, even though I have some fears of doing so.
July 5, 2020 – The full moon
That full moon has me pulling intentions left and right tonight. Who am I? Who am I stepping into? I feel layers of myself being stripped away. Everything I’ve ever known feels…different. In a good way. I ask myself what my intentions are. One thing I know for sure is that I’ve always intended to be transparent with you guys. But sure enough over the past few months I’ve felt myself crawling back into that uncomfortable shell of layers. Too worried about what the wrong people might think if they read what I was really feeling.
Which let me down the rabbit hole of figuring out why.
It’s hard to unlearn 26 years of bullshit. Really, I guess it’s 24 years because by the time 25 hit me, this awakening had slapped me right in the left cheek lol. I’ve been going through my transformation ever since. A few times it’s felt like a doosy. It’s been tough, ugly, down right brutal.
I’m really finding me. I’m really learning to stand up for me. I’m really figuring out what I want. I’m thinking for myself. I’m learning to be less codependent and way more independent.
I’m understanding life and what it’s all about. I’m learning to care less and less of what others think of me because I know my heart. I know what kind of person I am.
My intentions are becoming clear. I want to be me.
I want to sit on the couch with my kids without my phone. I want to make more memories with them. I want to travel with them. I want to spoil them rotten with love and affection. I want to be a more fun and patient mom.
Not a mom who is constantly wringing with anxiety, stress, and shakes.
And guess what, these past few weeks I haven’t had much of those. Because I’ve been spending time learning about me. I’ve been less focused on others peoples lives. I’ve learned that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Not matter how guilty you feel.
Cutting off toxic energy is the highest form of self healing. Figuring out which behaviors of your own that you hate is next.
Don’t vibe with something? Change it.
There’s a reason you’re dealing with shakes, stress, and anxiety. Make your own way. You are you. Nobody else needs to influence your thoughts or actions. It’s ok to make decisions for yourself.
I’ve decided to manifest more healthy living, good exercise, plant living, less screen time for us all, more quality time, living slow, more front porch sitting, more reading about the things I’m interested in. I’m manifesting my best life.
Right here, right now on this full moon night.
I want to be happy, make love to the man that I love, eat good food, raise happy children, and enjoy life as it passes.
I refuse to be tied down to old behaviors and repeated patterns. I refuse to hide any longer. I am breaking barriers. I am shedding layers of influence and making my own way. The end.
What is the point of me sharing this?
I’m a true believer in following your intuition. My gut was telling me that somebody needs to read this. So if that person is you, this is your sign. This is your sign to move forward. Let go of the past and let the new you be born.
Whatever that means for you, go with it. Without guilt. There will be fear, there will be worries. But we always fear the unknown.
But what happens if we let fear hold us back from everything? What kind of life is that?
Your BEST life is on the other side of fear. When you’re scared, that’s the best time to take action. DO that thing you’re scared of. Peel back those layers of who you thought you had to be. Learn to be yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight so give yourself time. Dive into personal development, therapy, yoga, meditation, find your outlet.
Love to you all.