Today was beautiful.
In every way possible, it was a beautiful day to watch.
My husband cleaning out the car with our princess.
Me, getting the chance to perfect my new kitchen. Wiping down every inch, filling my counters, organizing pots and pans, placing my plants in every corner that catches my eye.
Lunch with my mom, grandparents, uncle, the kids, and my sister who so graciously waited on us. (Literally, she was our server ❤️)
Picking up my oldest from school, just us two, and grabbing him an ice cream sundae.
The kids playing outside in the yard, making new friends, while we watched from the patio.
Our brand new fridge being delivered.
All of these beautiful things..
And yet….anxiety still comes creeping its way in once bedtime rolls around.
Things can be going good.. even great, and that bitch will seep it’s claws so deep into you that you can’t pull yourself out.
It’s so fucking hard.
It takes deep breaths and reinforcing positive thoughts.
But if you slip away just for a second to another “what if”, the next thing you know you’re deep into the anxious thoughts again.
I try to shut my brain off.
I try to steer back to positivity but I can’t.
The worries and paranoia stay front and center.
If I was alone, I don’t know how strong I could be.
But, Josh pulls me back down to the surface.
He helps me feel grounded again.
If it weren’t for my partner steadying my breathing, the panic attack would’ve stayed longer.
But he would’ve never known had I not said anything to him.
It’s so hard to fight. It’s so hard to be strong and keep going.
It takes practice. It takes strength.
It takes help.
I’ve realized I can’t do this alone.
So I have to stop being alone. I have to stop pretending it’s not there.
I have to get those thoughts out into words and tell someone how I’m feeling.
Because it takes communication. If you don’t communicate these thoughts into words, no one will know you’re struggling.
I need someone to reassure me that it’s going to be alright.
And you do too.
I pray. I pray often and I pray hard.
I don’t want the weight of my problems on my partners shoulders.
I don’t want my children to worry or see me upset.
But do you know what I’ve learned?
The more I hide it…the more they see it.
In ways other than rapid breathing, chest tightening, nausea, shakes, and crying.
They see short tempered mom.
They see mom who is flustered because she’s trying not to think too much. But then again it’s like I can’t really even think much at all.
It’s time for us to stop dealing with our struggles alone.
You might can do it alone, but it’s so much easier when you have a support system. Even if that system only consists of one partner.
Talk to your closet friend. Whoever that may be. Find your person.
Just share exactly how you feel so they can reassure you that you’ve been here before,
You’ve been here in your mind before but you’re HERE in the present now.
Be present. Get out of your head.
Mediate. Breathe. Focus on your breath.
Play soothing music in the background to help drown out the quiet.
And remember what a beautiful day you’ve truly had.