When you think of becoming a mom, a miscarriage is not something you plan on happening. Nobody thinks the worst will happen to them. In fact we think the complete opposite.. we think a miscarriage won’t happen to us.
Unfortunately though, it does happen – to 1 in 4 women.
And it happened to me in 2017.
My third baby lost his heartbeat at 9 weeks gestation. My body didn’t recognize this loss until the 14th week…after we had publicly announced the pregnancy at 12 weeks.
I want to share my story of miscarriage because I want to help spread awareness.
I want people to be able to understand what a woman loses when she has a miscarriage.
It’s a sad topic but it’s a topic that we as women and mothers should not be afraid, nor ashamed to share.
The last thing you want when going through a miscarriage is to feel alone. And trust me, you feel alone.
I want my story to help someone get through their loss and know that they are not alone. Because that’s what someone else’s story did for me.
I want to warn you though, I do go in to detail about what I went through. You’ll probably cry with me.
So welcome to my tribe ❤️
Before I experienced a miscarriage, I didn’t understand the heartbreak behind it.
You feel sad when you hear of it happening to your loved ones or anyone else, but I don’t think we realize the significance of the loss.
Until that loss is your own.
Hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time or seeing the first little flutters on the sonogram screen makes our emotions take over.
After seeing your baby you are so in love and so over the moon excited. Even if that pregnancy was a surprise or unexpected. You start planning everything down to the gender reveal because you’re expecting a baby in just a few months!
Miscarriage is losing that baby you just fell in love with.
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My day started as a regular Monday morning.
I was getting ready to go to my sonogram. Taking a shower, getting my kids dressed, and everything in the norm.
I was 14 weeks pregnant and so excited to see my baby on the screen. I was thinking maybe we would get a sneak peek at the gender. If not, I knew I could call the elective place that week and schedule an appointment for our gender reveal.
So many happy thoughts were running through my mind.
At about 11 am while fixing my daughters hair, I felt like I had just peed in my pants. Not the usual mom bladder like, “oh I sneezed and leaked a little”.
It was a weird feeling like, “wait..why did that just happen?” I finished Mia’s hair and went to the bathroom to figure out exactly how much I had just peed on myself.
Only it wasn’t urine.
It was bright red blood.
Every pregnant mothers worst nightmare.
I felt uneasy but I remained calm, surprisingly. That’s what they tell you to do in these situations, right?
I called my OBs office right away. The nurse listed several normal reasons this could be happening.
She told me to take it easy and just come on in to my appointment that was scheduled in two hours.
Somehow I still remained calm and told myself that everything was ok.
I didn’t want to have negative thoughts. I didn’t want to believe it could be the worst thing possible.
But deep down, I was scared.
I was sick to my stomach while driving to the sonogram. My husband couldn’t miss work so my mom came with me, along with my two oldest babies. They were 4 and 1.5 years old at the time.
We got back in the room and started the sonogram.
I saw the same little jellybean baby I had seen 6 weeks earlier at nine weeks gestation..the exact same size but with no flutter.
The tech quietly moved around the wand for a minute and then looked at me with sadness in her eyes.
Before she had to say a word, I told her I already knew.
I tried my hardest to stay calm and not let my voice crack. My babies were in the room. I didn’t want them to know. I didn’t want them to worry. I had to be strong.
The tech left to get the doctor and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My mom held me and we cried together.
My baby lost his heartbeat at about 9 weeks gestation just a few days after my first appointment and sono to confirm the pregnancy.
I showed no signs of the loss in the days following. I still had all of the pregnancy symptoms. I still felt very pregnant. I was still planning for the arrival of my third baby, 5 weeks after he had lost his heartbeat.
The OB came in and told me I had experienced a missed miscarriage.
That is when your baby passes away, but your body doesn’t recognize the loss until way later. You still have pregnancy symptoms and show no signs of loss.
My doctor said she was writing me a prescription that was to help move things along at home.
I was told I would have some cramping and bleeding, just like a period. She told me to take ibuprofen for the pain and come back in a week.
“Ok, I’m going home to process this loss and have a period.”
That’s what I got from the visit.
I didn’t know much about miscarriage at all. I honestly didn’t think I even knew anyone personally who had experienced one.
After reading more about missed miscarriages, I decided not to take the prescription and to let my body pass my baby naturally.
For two days after that I laid in bed cramping, bleeding, crying, and feeling numb. It was sorta like a period I guess. Only with way more emotion involved.
I didn’t know what I was waiting for but I knew I wasn’t feeling any better. So on Wednesday night, I got up the courage to take the prescription, Cytotec.
I took the first dose about 5pm and didn’t feel much of anything.
The second dose at 11pm kicked it up a few notches.
Luckily I was finally able to fall asleep after a few hours.
At 5am I woke up with the most awful and intense contractions.
It was exactly what I felt like when I went into labor with my second baby. I was due for another dose but thought to myself “Fuck that.”
Nothing had happened overnight and I was already in so much pain that ibuprofen wasn’t touching it. For the rest of the day I had no change except for an increase in bleeding.
That continued for 5 more days until my follow up appointment. I had another sonogram that confirmed I hadn’t passed the baby. I was given the same prescription but with a higher dose.
I knew it was going to be rough. My doctor didn’t tell me how rough though. I was about to be put into full blown labor and just didn’t know it yet.
I didn’t know how much bleeding to expect. I didn’t think to ask specifically what was going to happen.
I was just trying to handle the fact that my doctor was telling me I was still carrying my baby and this pain wasn’t over yet.
I went home and started the first dose.
I swear it was almost instantly that I felt the affects.
I knew I needed to eat because I had taken a pain pill but hadn’t eaten all day.
Before I could even finish eating my Whataburger toast and fries I was in so much pain that I couldn’t get up from the recliner without my husbands help.
I thought that maybe I needed to lay in bed.
We got all the way to the bed and realized I needed to be in the restroom. Pretty soon I was curled up in a ball crying and moaning from the painful contractions.
What was happening to my body? I felt like I was pushing out a 7 1/2 pound baby. I hadn’t even made it to the second dose of medicine.
I sat up with my legs curled to the side and held a pillow tightly. The contractions were coming at least every 1-2 minutes and lasting 60 seconds long.
I didn’t even have the strength to talk in between them.
I focused on my deep breathing and knew I had to push through this. I didn’t know how I could, I just knew I had to.
But pretty soon, the pain wasn’t exiting my body with the exhale of my breathe, like it had before.
I was running through pads very quickly. Pretty soon I had no energy to even hold myself up on toilet. I was losing a lot of blood and started to get worried.
I kept blacking out walking back to my bedroom. I couldn’t walk without help. I soaked the bed with blood after falling asleep for about hour.
I had no energy left in my body. I had given it my all. All I could do was lay in the tub with the water running over my legs. I couldn’t even hold my head up from the edge.
I finally called the nurse hotline because this was NOT normal.
This couldn’t be normal. I’m a stubborn chick so me calling, definitely meant something was wrong.
They of course told me to go in immediately.
Once we got to the hospital we learned that my blood pressure while standing up was 77/50.
Yeah, no wonder I couldn’t hold my head up.
I had a vaginal sonogram that determined I had not yet passed my baby. I was still losing a lot of blood also.
This is when they started discussing a D&C. It was around 5am at this point and we had to wait for the doctor to discuss things further.
Right before 8am and the final decision of a D&C, I passed my baby.
It was a very different feeling than everything else that had happened that week.
It felt like I was passing a tennis ball size object almost.
When I laid back down on the bed, my body felt empty. In a calm sense.
The horrific night was over. I could finally get some rest and begin to grieve my baby.
I promise you that you will get through it.
You will heal as time passes. In the moment, I felt as if it would never end. As if the pain would never go away.
But it does get easier. I still get sad and miss my baby but that’s part of grief. Waves come and go. It got a lot better after my due date passed.
Remember that it’s ok to not be ok,
and it’s ok to be ok.
Don’t feel guilty for grieving and don’t feel guilty for healing. I promise you will have both feelings.
Remember to let those feelings pass.
Always keep hope in your heart.
Let these waves of sadness come and then pass.
More than 3 million women a year experience a miscarriage. If it has happened to you know that you are not alone and that you will get through this.
Share your story with us ❤️
If you need advice on talking to your older children about pregnancy loss, I recommend the book We Were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead. It really helped my kids understand what had happened when we couldn’t exactly find the words.
Take it easy mama.